Blue Ivy spends first birthday alone. Playing solitaire. Waiting for the birth of Karmenian Bluegrass, Kim and Kanye West’s little klothespony-to-be. . . .
Notre Dame’s Manti Te’o has little to be ashamed of. It seems he is in good company. The whole nation (we have only recently come to realize) has been the victim of a hoax. The whole nation is in love with someone we’ve never met or seen before either. Her name is Blue Ivy Carter.
Fans, perhaps unjustifiably, are in an uproar because like Anthony Perkins in the movie Psycho, Beyonce and Jay-Z after all this time are still behaving as if they have something to hide. As fans, we will surely take that old “back of the head” baby, if that’s all we can get. But that’s only because we’re already used to it.
Michael Jackson treated us with the same disrespect. But the joke was on the King of Pop when he died werewolf-thriller-weird and the blankets were finally lifted (in ways his highness would have forbidden to the end). It’s cool. We fans forgive you Michael Jackson. After your children were exposed for the Wonder Bread they are, it was understandable why you kept them hidden under all that expensive, SPF-90-treated fabric. If exposed to too much sunlight those little evil Petri dish vampires would have gone up in smoke.
So maybe that’s the problem Beyonce and Jay-Z are having with Billionaire Baby Club member Blue Ivy Carter. Blue Ivy Carter may be a Super Heroine in training. By midnight she turns into blue ivy and creeps into the homes of international thieves to redeem stolen diamonds so that her hard-rocking creators can buy them just for her . . . just for her. . . . (Hell, we don’t know! We haven’t seen the blurry proof yet!)
Or, maybe it is as simple as this. By zero dark thirty, the child turns into “My Little Pony.” What?!! Ponies are cute. Especially when pink, and soft, and—oh, yeah, don’t forget—encrusted in diamonds. Mama and Papa jus’ lurve them some diamonds.
But didn’t a big old pink comb come with that pony? Hmmm.
Not to worry, Blackbiter.com will never give Baby Blue Ivy the blues about a head full of beautiful cotton candy for hair. Blackbiter.com enjoys the freedom of a curly ‘fro. Black girls have the rest of their lives to be criticized for what intolerant people deem intolerable about black hair. So we the fans can just shut the front and back door on that subject.
Clip-clopping along . . .
Some have whispered that Beyonce is treating Baby Blue Ivy as if she has “Phantom of the Opera” face because . . . well . . . Baby Blue Ivy may just have “Phantom of the Opera” face. Allegedly. However, some have said that while Jay-Z is an excellent producer, he ain’t really running this Hip-Hopera. It’s Beyonce. She ain’t all in on the philosophy of “All Black Everything.” Beyonce herself, they say, is the one literally throwing shade on Blue Ivy. Remember when Beyonce, they say, was only too proud to show off Old Blue Eyes—that little old leprechaun—her nephew?—with that light skin, that curly hair, and the slave master’s blue eyes? Mmmhuh.
Which of course brings us to The Anti-Christ Theory. Yes, some fans have said that because Jay-Z is a member of the Illuminati (an ancient underground club for power-hungry Lucifers), Beyonce has been brainwashed. Beyonce has been told a litany of times that St. Matthew, her fallen father, was not the reason for her out-of-this-world success. Even spurned Blessed Mother Tina will testify how St. Matthew, like Abraham, sacrificed nearly all (including the roof over her head) to show his love for the Blessed Child of the Covenant, also known as Sasha Fierce. But, nay, they say, Sasha Fierce, after much prodding from the false Hova himself, has reluctantly accepted that her success is the result of the Illuminati Effect.
Ergo, unlike your children, Midnight Blue Ivy is no common heathen.
Besides, Damien Thorn, spawn of Satan, was not revealed in a day. So, patience, faithful followers. It’s simply not time for the unveiling.
However, woe to waiting fans should Karmenian Bluegrass, Kim and Kanye’s little klothespony-to-be, kome out kuter. Fans, already accustomed to the blackest silhouettes, may never see so much as a shadow of Midnight Blue Ivy ever again. Midnight Blue Ivy may go Illuminati deep underground. Groundhog-deep underground.
But never fear. Midnight Blue Ivy will simply show up 20 years later with a new name and two or three years added to her years to throw the fans off her real mama’s expensive scent. Then she will show up on a music show singing badly all the while pretending to be the child of unknowns. Like an Aaliyah/R. Kelly production.
In the meantime, there is always a chance that a greedy hoodrat relative of The Dark One will emerge check in hand courtesy of The Enquirer for a photo that brings Midnight Blue Ivy from the dark side into the light.
Awww, pretty please?