"Did I do that?"

Time after time, not an eighth note passes, before Alicia Keys strikes another wrong note with her fans.  Her career began to ooze and fester around the time of her adulterous affair with music producer Swizz Beatz, the deadbeat, who had yet to look black and untether himself from his lovely wife, Mashonda, mother of his young son.  When radio jock Tom Joyner repeated the unfortunate but tantalizing Swizz Beatz tweet saying, ‘Alicia Keys is in my kitchen making me breakfast buck naked,’ we all knew that the apron strings of a decent reputation had all but unraveled.

Immoral

Alicia Keys is a home-wrecking adulterer.  The ugly, jealous, or damned (also known as Alicia Keys fans) always point to Beyonce’s skimpy stage clothes and allude that she, an incomparable and anointed chanteuse, dancer, and Michael Jackson-esque scale entertainer, is immodest.  Immodest?  Isn’t that a far-far better thing to be than immoral?! 

Cee-Dee-Ee-ef-Gee, Alicia!  Was this what you meant by singing in the key of A minor?  Worthy of note, Beyonce wasn’t the Jezebel putting forth her hand to take another’s husband by the stones.

Alicia Keys seemingly has a heart of gold for the dustiest African and the diseased.  Of all the characters in the world, that someone as accomplished as she is would be unable to wait until the bloody ink congealed on the bill of divorcement is shocking.  What self-respecting artist tunes up and makes music with that which is already took?  Could it be that selfsame non-self-respecting artist who gets PREGGERS by that which is already took?  Classy, Alicia, real classy!

Alas, we all make mistakes.  You and that little boy/serial dater you married are forgiven.  But charitable mood/good work or not, one way/one day or another, we all shall surely reap what we’ve sown.  And sooner than we think.  In mid-September of this very year, Bossip.com reported that there were already rumors, less than a season into the marriage, of infidelity on the part of Mr. Beatz.  What? No way!  A woman by the name of Christina Elizabeth supposedly has been texting the Jay-Z wanna-be.  And reminiscent of a Tiger Woods’ bimbo—instead of running and hiding her face like the harlots of old—to borrow a phrase from Senator John McCain, “that one” is shouting to the rafters that she is his looong-time jump-off.

Superficial

Super woman, my foot!!  Alicia Keys is fake.  Her whole persona smacks of low self-esteem and hypocrisy.  In the beginning, she was rocking braids and “Yo, yo, yo-ing” to the ghetto for acceptance of her and her music.  Then she was pimp-walking through the roughest section of Hell’s Kitchen like a round-the-way-girl.  (But, only in a video, of course.  You know, for her safety.)  Next, she’s throwing up gang signs and shouting out scary Hip-Hop monikers from the awards podium like “Crucial Keys” and “Zaph-nath-paaneah, I would like to thank my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.”  Then when she let her hair down and went back to her “real” classically trained roots—what a surprise!—the notorious Manhattan hood rat could actually speak the King’s English!  Imagine that!

Narcissistic

Alicia Keys will share a man.  But, oh no, not the stage!  Remember when Eva Pigford (before she became French) didn’t know the rules of pre-show engagement?  When Alicia Keys grew weary of the petite & pretty bronze statue lingering on the outdoor stage with her, instead of inviting Eva to share the mic, she turned her entire black to her.  With such a large shadow blackening her view, finally Eva got the point to beat it on down the carpet somewhere.  So you know when Lil Mama showed up unexpectedly during the Empire State of Mind performance at the VMAs in 2009 (like the plus sign on a fornicator’s pregnancy test), I was filled with anxiety that the fornicator would take her other left foot and jettison her off the stage.

Tacky

Alicia Keys has bad judgment.  She named her son Egypt.  Why not a real Egyptian name that’s even more queenly?  Like Isis or Hatshepsut?

Flash forward to the BET Awards show of 2010.  Scaling and crawling atop a piano for Prince with a very unsexy, noticeably pregnant belly and flaunting your disrespect for another woman’s relationship is one way to fall flat on your face.  And standing static on a piano like a Cadillac hood ornament, while amusing, is hardly sexy or entertaining.  But if you’re going to roll around on a piano and molest it, at least have the decency to not sing off-key.  It was not adorable.  Eunuchs everywhere, even Prince, was scared for you.  And ashamed.  We all were.  In the Bible, when strange women lost their parents, they shaved their heads and bewailed their loss for

"If people put the same time into positive things the same as they do negative, the world would be a better place." --Swizz Beatz. Spoken like a true hypocrite. Too bad he wasn't singing that tune before he cheated on his wife and kid. Bozo!

a whole month.  On that note, it looks like you may have brought Prince’s bald-headed genie friend out of mourning . . . early.

Rude

Alicia Keys is rude.  On the Oprah show, she barely parted her sleepy eyes to acknowledge Clive Davis.  She was so over him—like so many fans are so over her—which leads me to the moral of this loose tale:  Stop comparing Alicia Keys-Beatz to Beyonce Knowles-Z.  From A to Z, there iz no comparison.  Our principal pianist is only second best.  All I’m saying is that before Alicia Keys gets moved to third or fourth chair for building on a bad moment, she should probably change her spiritual tune.  If not, the NAACP might come asking for their image awards back.

Disclaimer: Any twittering tweets the editor has tweeted to Nick Cannon should not be perceived as sextual or textual in any context as the editor loves the Nick like a Maybach and the Mariah like a Rolls.