Wanted Dead or Alive: Cat-scratch Shih Tzu


One of those mammals who likes animals more than mankind.

…for the murder of Roberto Villegas, revered Argentine polo player, hired as farm help in exchange for rent, the cost to care for horses owned, and good old-fashioned, hot & steamy, inter-racial sex.

Billionaire gun heiress Susan Cummings was charged with committing 1st degree murder but was convicted of voluntary manslaughter by a jury of her (almost certain) racist peers.

  • The Build-up – Cat-scratch Shih Tzu (pronounced “Sh!t Sue”) whispered in po-po ears that Roberto Villegas, the foreigner, was giving her the business . . . with abuse.
  • The Take-down – On the day of his death Senor Roberto Villegas was to represent Argentina in a prestigious polo tournament in Washington, D.C.  At 9 A.M. the socially-inept socialite, as any control freak would, shot Senor Roberto Villegas four times to keep him from leaving, realizing his star was on the rise and that he, who no longer wanted her, would no longer need her.
  • The social-fright–uh, socialite–cried self-defense, citing Senor Roberto Villegas threatened her with a big old scary knife.
  • However, the po-po took one look at those cat scratches on her anorexic arm and deemed them highly-suspicious, highly-likely self-inflicted flesh wounds.
  • Evidence showed Cat-scratch Shih Tzu blew holes in Senor Roberto Villegas’s back with a .357 Magnum, like all cowards do.
  • Corollary One – Common sense showed the same logic Cat-scratch Shih Tzu used to alarm the po-po that Senor was abusing her, the same logic Cat-scratch Shih Tzu could have used to alarm the po-po that she wanted Senor booted from the premises.
  • Corollary Two – It’s not like Cat-scratch Shih Tzu was paying Senor Roberto Villegas a salary, for Cat-scratch Shih Tzu was berry berry cheap cheap but had the audacity to become berry berry jealous when Senor, spreading oats for the horsies, sowed some of his own.
  • Evidence showed Senor Roberto Villegas, who had just settled down to a “Breakfast of Champions,” was hardly interested in abusing Cat-scratch Shih Tzu, for there were unchewed Wheaties still marinating in his sexy mouth.  (And everybody knows, nobody decent can talk sh!t or abuse real good with food in his or her mouf.)

If Susan Cummings couldn’t have him, no one else would.

  • Cat-scratch Shih Tzu murdered Senor Roberto Villegas on the lavish 340-acre estate of Ashland Farms, purchased for her and her mismatched twin by her billionaire arms-dealing pappy, Samuel “Big Sammy” Cummings (may he rest in pieces of horse sh!t).
  • Ashland Farms, located outside of Warrenton, Vuh-jen-yer, was sold in 2004 for nearly 5 mill.
  • The two-faced twins now reside in Culpeper, Virginia, on a 450-acre estate named LeBaron Farm—should you like to know what it’s like to live guilty, but free, up close.
  • For the murder of Roberto Villegas, Cat-scratch Shih Tzu served 57 days of a 60-day sentence and was ordered to pay a measly $2,500 fine, whereupon Cat-scratch Shih Tzu, radiant with joy, reached inside her designer purse and threw that change in the face of the court like tossing a quarter to the stinkin’ bum our judicial system has become.
  • The jail was cleared of its inhabitants, some serving YEARZZZZZ!!! for everyday check and credit card fraud.  Then it was Raid-ed, Lysol-ed, and Lemon-Pledged for the billionaire gun heiress.
  • Cat-scratch Shih Tzu was allowed frequent visitors, both male and female callers; outside free-people sandwiches with real mayonnaise; outside free-people cookies tied up with real ribbons; and even had a personal phone installed in the cell of her personal east wing of the “jail.”

57 days for murder? 2 years for check fraud?

The moral of the story is . . . before or after O.J. Simpson, whether 1675, 1885, 1995, 1997, or 2018, there was and will always be murderers (even those who ‘fess their crimes), who will serve less time for the willful killing of a human being than for the needful writing of a bad check, especially if you’re a vanilla wafer, some other assorted ritzy cracker like Susan Cummings, or the occasional Oreo.

Maybe American Crime Story should turn the book, “A Woman Scorned,” by Lisa Pulitzer into a modern day miniseries.  Why should Susan Cummings, Diana Cummings, and Mama Irma Cummings get to live a quiet, peaceful life in those Virginia backwoods?


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