Robbed: A Tale of Two Athletes


Rio Games hi-jacked by Lyin’ Ryan Lochte.

These 2016 Olympic Games held in Rio have been nothing short of unbelievable and even incredible.  Yes, there were the usual unusual athletic feats that stir the sleeping athletes inside of us couch potatoes into promising ourselves to become more active.

But not until the Olympics are over, of course.

It’s the anomalies, the tale of two athletes, that had most of us scratching our heads this time.  It was what happens when the dark underbelly of the games roll over on us.

Hmm, with which athlete do we start?  Let’s start with Track & Field’s Allyson Felix in the 400-meter race.  The ending was not only unbelievable, but incredible—and, on the surface of any race track, by-the-book legal.  Bewildered fans of the games all over the world were asking themselves how did High Jump tactics, leading with the back to break the barrier of the finish line, ever crawl on its belly into a foot race?

Poor Allyson Felix, who actually crossed the finish line on foot, must still be as stunned as we were when Shaunae Miller of the Bahamas slid into home on her belly as if the score were tied in the last inning of a baseball game!!!  Sure, the lean can get you the silver or bronze.  But scratching and clawing should never be how a gold medal is won.  The ending of a great race was marred by all of that last second flailing of arms and legs in utter desperation.

Poor Allyson Felix was robbed.  If she had known she could catapult herself into gold by any means necessary, she would have saved herself and her weak ankle the sweat of all that fleeing like a fugitive only to lose to a blue-haired belly flopper.


Beat by a Bahamian belly flopper?!! Ay dios mios!

Now, if you will, let’s turn our attention to that other athlete whom, if you didn’t know him before, the whole world knows now.  Ladies and gentlemen of the 2016 Rio Summer Olympic Games, we welcome to the stage, Lyin’ Ryan Lochte, whose feats out of the pool were nothing short of unbelievable and even incredible.  Lyin’ Ryan Lochte allowed a bruised ego to distract from the efforts of his fellow athletes who had been working half their lives for the two weeks that only come around every four years.

Lyin’ Ryan Lochte proved what Los Negros everywhere have known since Los Blancos cruised up to the shores of Africa.  When a white man (or woman) does not get his way, he will tell a little white lie, out of spite, that could possibly cost you your life or to spend the remainder “on lock” in a jail cell getting petted or raped by animals whose air you should never have breathed in the first place.

When the world calls us Ugly Americans, you know who they really mean.

Lyin’ Ryan Lochte got pissy drunk after celebrating the U.S. Swim Team’s accomplishments.  Trashed the bathroom of an establishment.  In a foreign country.  And tried to run from the consequences.  However, because (apparently) other countries like their guns, too—the foreigners were not having any of his beach bum bullsh!t, hypocritically attributed as being “childlike.”  When the COBs (Citizens of Brazil) came after him and his homies with guns loaded for payment of the damage, Lochte woke up the next day, hypocrite that he is, and told a big white lie, intent on “fixing” those “Brazilian (likely traumatized) jerks” for ever messing with a blue-eyed blond with the power of the media at his disposal.

Lyin’ Ryan Lochte may have thought he was being robbed when he was drunk.  But when the sun rose piss-yellow over Sugarloaf Mountain and he decided to utter that nasty white lie about a country already tender to the reality of its crime rate, he was sober. Blue eyes, as clear as the water he swims in.  He was sober when he lied about the gun touching his head.  He was sober when he hid his dirty hands and omitted mentioning his menacing deeds under cover of night with the statue of Christ the Redeemer looking down on him.


All this…for a piss?!!

Lyin’ Ryan Lochte was not robbed.  And like Queen Bey, heen sorry.

He was neither a teenager nor a fish out of water unable to hold his water who was pulling pranks with his friends in his own backyard.  No, he was a grown 30-something man, caught on camera with other grown men, pissing on a foreign country’s property and laws LIKE A THUG.  With the erroneous belief that the country with the most powerful military works for him, the Ugly American fools himself into thinking that the U.S. will, no matter how criminal the behavior, come and rescue him.  Lyin’ Ryan Lochte and privileged others like him believe that there are no consequences to their ugliness. Here or in the Afterlife.

If a robbery of any sort took place in this “Tale of Two Athletes,” it was by the wild imaginings of Lyin’ Ryan Lochte, who, to avenge the sucking out of air of an over-inflated ego, hi-jacked The Rio Summer Olympic Games, penis . . . in . . . hand.

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