It is with great remorse that Blackbiter.com must announce the recent passing of Tristan Thompson…
from innocent…to korrupt, kourtesy of the Kardashians.
Through the art form known as Cavaliers Basketball, the team was hopeful the late professional athlete, once beloved by all, had learned boundaries and understood that being center should have been attention enough. But, nay, the baller who should have stayed in his wholesome lane, attention-seeking, has rolled out of it.
Tristan Thompson, who was known for his ferocious dunks, blocked all the doctor’s shots, rendering him no match for the swine flu, which, as his once adoring fans know, has routinely ravished the NBA like a fever.
Kardashian Swine Flu, in particular, chronic and epidemic, tends to linger but will never ever attach itself to pure Caucasoids, who (as usual) are immune. However, Kardashian Swine Flu has indeed caused the demise of several African American NBA players in the past decade.
Once the health of Kris Humphries’ reputation was ruined and the breaking of his mother’s heart was broadcast nationally, K-Hump (destroyed by a more powerful strain of the nasty virus) was booed and never heard from again.
The new and improved, but far less powerful variety, has burned through the careers of both Lamar Odom (Lakers) and James Harding (Rockets). Both Odom and Harding have turned to Tylenol 4, Hen(nessy), and harlots of ill-repute (without dental plans) to ease their dis-ease. Kardashian Swine Flu is reported to take away a man’s appetite for basketball—and for life—fo’ lyyyyf!!!
King LeBron James, Ruler of the 2016 NBA Championship-winning Cleveland Cavaliers, is rumored (by advice of his personal prophet) to have ordered Thompson to cleanse himself by dipping in the (Michael) Jordan river seven times, showering with bottles of Evian, followed by dousing himself in green rubbing alcohol for seven consecutive days.
Thompson was then warned to avoid being seen in public with the deadly virus, which breaks out and becomes inflamed like a lit match in the light of cameras.
But J.R. Smith, a no-nonsense player (nearly turned to ashes by Rihanna’s mere corona) knows the disastrous consequences and has grown as protective of the team as a clinical-strength prophylactic. In an attempt to stave off the spread of the virus and to make the naïve Thompson less vulnerable to the weaker strain, Swish was heard before the big man’s fall commanding him: “Man, Bron is right. We don’t need these distractions! Whatever you do, just don’t bring that shit to Cleveland!”
In Tristan Thompson’s final days as a Cavalier, Coach Tyronn Lue filed for an Order of Protection in the Court of Public Opinion and encouraged Thompson to talk to an adult he trusted when things happened that made him feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
For example: Kris Kardashian forcing Khloe Kardashian…
- to divorce Lamar Odom—all of a sudden!!!,
- to stop all birth control—like Kim did!!!, and
- to sign on the dotted line for a reality show—like Scott, K-Hump, Lamar, and Kanye, who all ultimately lost precious brain cells and certain undisclosed motor functions!!!
Coach Lue, scratching his head, said, “Double T wouldn’t listen. The bright lights had already robbed him of his vision.”
Channing Bete, a company producing research-driven publications designed to help protect big ballers, strengthen pro ball clubs, and promote community awareness, sent the too-late-to-the-game baller, “Your Body Belongs to You!” Using fresh, fun pictures, and puzzles, this engaging coloring and activities book delivers empowering messages to school-age children, the naïve, and big basketball playing dummies that their bodies are special. While the publications also advise would-be victims how to protect themselves from unwelcome contact, Tristan Thompson, being weak, succumbed (fittingly) on the scariest day of the year, Halloween.
Tristan Thompson, attracting the wrong attention to the team and city, is survived by abhorred members and fans of the 2016 NBA Champions, as well as distraught family and friends. Flowers, well-wishes, and disapproving WTFs may be sent to the following address:
The Cleveland Cavaliers
1 Center Court
Cleveland, Ohio 44115