Gwen Stefani
(actress, singer/songwriter, philanthropist)

"All I ever did was look at Tony (Kanal) and pray that God would let me have a baby with him." --Gwen Stefani

Of a possible 100 points, squeaking out a win with 96 points, Gwen Stefani is this year’s (and every year ad litem) proper winner of the “White Sugar Awards” for her perpetually platinum accomplishments:

1. Milky-white porcelain skin trumps everything!  (Even vampire eyes roll her way.)  Our “White Sugar” is a blinding #000000 on the color hex!
2. Lead singer for popular band, No Doubt.  (Only a white band can possess this much confidence.)
3. Turned Love. Angel. Music. Baby, her solo debut album, multi-platinum like her hair and into a fashion line by the same name.  (Loses white points for Guatemalan, Japanese, and Jamaican design influences.  L.O.W. points regained by making Harajuku Girls of Tokyo, Japan famous by association with solo album.)
4. Spokesbeauty for L’Oréal of gay Paris and may be happily married to a man just as gay.

L.O.W. (Loss of White) Points

1. Comes from a family of seamstresses.  (Shh, don’t point.  Most of her early clothing was made by aunts or her mother.)
2. Scarred one child with a made-up name.  (Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale).
3. Dated No Doubt bandmate Tony Kanal (of Indian descent).  Stefani, perhaps too heavily invested in the relationship, confessed, “…all I ever did was look at Tony and pray that God would let me have a baby with him.”  Kanal quit the relationship, not the band.  L.O.W. points for pining away after an aloof (non-white) man ever in life or in song (and setting a terrible precedent for singer Adele).
4. Shared a Grammy Award with Black Rapper Eve for Best Rap/Song Collabo for “Let Me Blow Ya Mind.”  Loses white points (with Klan and other whites of whiter souls) for nearly going full Hip-Hop and losing her way on the dark side.  Also, she no longer makes money, but “pay-puh.”
5. Over-exposed midriff and common eye color of the masses.

Condoleezza Rice 
(politician, professor, author)

"As I was telling my husb--As I was telling President Bush..." Condi Rice (actual quote)

With 95 points, “Madame Condi,” a bag of nearly pure cane sugar herself, is this year’s 2^nd place winner of the “White Sugar Awards” for living the white life right (aiight!):

1. A Black Republican Presbyterian.  (Black people don’t know what that is.  So, is that like, “the right-wing president of all Black vegetarians”?)
2. 1^st female Black US Secretary of State; 1^st female, National Security Advisor under George W. Bush.  (Translation: 1^st female US President.)
3. Appeared four times on Time Magazine’s list of the world’s 100 most influential people; once ranked most powerful woman in the world by Forbes Magazine.
4. Bill Fletcher, Jr., former leader of the TransAfrica Forum, a foreign policy lobbying organization in Washington, D.C., described Rice as “very cold and distant and only black by accident.”  (Ouch!)
5. Phi Beta Kappa recipient.
6. Professor of Political Science at Ivy League School, Stanford.  Rice drew protests when, as Provost, (in a very white, very end-time move) she rejected applying affirmative action practices to tenure decisions and, unsuccessfully, tried to consolidate campus ethnic community centers.
7. Faculty member, Stanford Graduate School of Business, director of its Global Center for Business and the Economy.
8. Ice skater, ballet dancer, gymnast, and pianist (accompanied cellist Yo-Yo Ma playing Brahms’s Violin Sonata in D Minor at Constitution Hall).
9. Speaks white English, un petit peu de French, and Russian.
10. Singer/songwriter Steve Earle wrote and recorded a mock (yeah, right) love song to Rice entitled, “Condi, Condi.”  And yet, having no “baby daddies” and no misbegotten dependents whatsoever, she is the only Black woman in America who does not know the joy of claiming the Earned Income Tax Credit.  Quadruple white points!

L.O.W. (Loss of White) Points

1. Born in Birmingham, Alabama (instead of Birmingham, England).
2. L.O.W. points for never marrying (or stealing George W. Bush from big-headed Babs).  Even snore Jennifer Aniston was married once.

Oprah Winfrey
(journalist/media tycoon, author, actress, philanthropist)

"When you know better, you do better." --Oprah Winfrey "And to whom much is given, even more is given!"

With 89 points, “Lady O” is this year’s 3^rd place winner of the “White Sugar Awards” for a lifelong journey leading to the heights of whiteness:

1. Reading before the age of three.
2. Shunning at all cost all unaccomplished Blacks (including blood) as an embarrassment unless native to an African nation.
3. 1^st Black billionaire, tycoon, knocking eBay CEO Meg Whitman from top spot as richest self-made woman in America.
4. Media proprietor, owns OWN network, Harpo Productions, Harpo Films, Magazine publisher (O Magazine; O at Home), Oprah.com, and Oprah Radio (XM Satellite).
5. Establishing the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls in Henley on Klip, south of Johannesburg, South Africa and not stateside.
6. “The Oprah Effect” makes her the most influential woman in the world.
7. Anti Hip-Hop (unless potential net earnings soar above half a billion thus reducing the blackness quotient of the Rapper to half.  Congratulations Jay-Z!  “You get to go on The Oprah Show!”)
8. Nanny to all white people.  Never met anything pale (sheets, people, dogs, cotton, clouds) she didn’t want to squeeze the fluff out of.
9. Better friend to Maria Shriver (of Kennedy royalty) than husband.
10. Super gay-friendly, sort of Jesus-friendly.

L.O.W. (Loss of White) Points

1. Unmarried, shacking with man.  (Regains three points; in right light, black man looks sort of white.)
2. Two or more crackheads in the family and two or more biological sisters named Pat.  (Who does that?)
3. Loss of white points for refusing to starve frame to a size 0 and refusing to “nip & tuck” minor imperfections.
4. Penalized with double L.O.W. points for not knowing the definition of “memoir.”  Author James Frey’s A Million Little Pieces was found to contain “fabrications” (though probably only little white ones) in 2006.

Do you agree with the rankings?